Sunday, January 29, 2006

Ain't No Thang but a Chicken Wang

People just need to get over the "controversy" surrounding this book. He made most of it up. Big deal. Fiction or not, it's entertained millions of people.

What gets me about this the most is that a few years ago, there was a horrible movie made. It also was based on a true story. Anyone remember the Blare Witch Project? That movie wasn't even slightly entertaining though, in fact, it sucked. No one was upset to find out this movie was completely made up, even though every preview told you it was all actual footage. What's the difference?

Oprah, get over it. Ok, you told everyone this was a great book and defended him, only to look like a complete ass. Girl needs to just drop the subject. All she's doing is giving more free publicity to him.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Give Me Some Help

I hate credit card companies. They always give me problems. My visa card hasn't sent me a statement in the last 3 months, even though I owe them money. I just have to remember to send my payments on time. I can never get anyone on the phone to see what's up.

I got a card at the Buckle about a month ago. They were supposed to send me the card in the mail after that. I never got it. I went to the store to ask about it, and they said I should have gotten it already. I asked what to do since I hadn't. They told me to call the corporate number. Unfortunately, no one that was working could find the number for me.

I just paid my Old Navy credit card over the phone. I don't mind going through computers if you can just enter your numbers, but it's so annoying to actually have to speak each number for your credit card number, social security number, band account number, check number, amount to pay. Just let me hit a few buttons or actually speak to someone.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Foggy Story

I rented The Fog tonight. This post will kind of spoil the ending of it. If you plan on watching it sometime soon, you probably shouldn't read this. I wanted to see it for two reasons. Tom Welling is in it...Smallville is my favorite TV show of the moment. I like scary movies and had seen every other horror new release. This movie just didn't do it for me.

First off, it wasn't really scary. Plus, I didn't get the ending at all. If you've seen this, please explain it to me. If you haven't, please rent it so you can explain it to me. Who was this girl? Why did they kill her mom, but not her? Wasn't that her dad she made out with? Why did only some people end up with leprosy when they were touched? Why does Selma Blair do movies?

Stick What? Where?

There's nothing worse then when someone makes a comment you've heard about a million times before, but thinks it is the most original, wittiy thing ever. Especially when the comment is just uncalled for and dirty.

It never ceases to amaze me how many time a day I hear the same dirty comment from people when I'm working. When their pet freaks out from having a thermometer stuck up their bum, the owner always says to me, "Looks like he/she doesn't like that. I can't blame him/her though, I wouldn't like it either. Would you?"

Seriously, how are you supposed to respond to that? I guess it really isn't the dirtiest thing anyone could say, but I always get a visual when someone says that, and it normally isn't needed. Most of the time, I shudder when they say this. I'm sure they think it's because I'm thinking of how uncomfortable it must be for their beloved pet. Really, it's because I have a mental picture of them sticking something up their hoo-ha.

One of these days I'm going to respond when this comment is made. I'm gonna say, "I actually find it very pleasurable. Have you ever tried it? You should. It will really loosen you up." As I'm sure I'd get fired on the spot, I need to wait till I have another job lined up before I can do this.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Act Grateful

I'm kind of embarrassed to write this, but I will, for the greater good of my blog readers.

Without a doubt, the worst experience of my life was when I was elected to homecoming court my senior year in high school. I felt completely out of place with all the popular kids. Most of them did all they could to let it be known that they didn't like the fact that I was on court with them. Whatever, I've obviously gotten over it.

I really didn't expect to win, and prepared myself for the utter embarrassment of hearing the name of the king announced in front of hundreds of people, only to realize it wasn't me. As I stood on the football field that blustery day in my tuxedo, I started to think, what if I win?

I didn't really care if I did or not, but I decided I should be prepared in case I did. I needed to have my face look like I was surprised, yet so grateful for the opportunity. I would do my best to represent Valley Lutheran in the way it deserved to be represented during my reign.

I decided to use a look of utter shock, while a tear or two ran down my face as I waved to the crowd in thanks. Karma's a bitch. Of course you won't win if you plan out your surprised face. I was left with the, "of course he should have won" smile on my face when they called Josh Call's name.

Cold Weather and Body Pain

When I was in the eighth grade, I broke my big toe on my left foot. It happened during the first soccer game of that season, so I never told anyone and never got it fixed so I could play the rest of the season. A few years ago, I broke my foot onstage during a show. We did xrays at work(completely illegal, but if you have the resources, why not?), and the bones were nowhere near each other. Once again, I didn't get it fixed because if I was in a cast, I couldn't finish the show.
I wish I had been smarter back then. See, I have huge problems with my left foot all the time. There are times when I can feel the bones in my foot rub against each other. If that sounds painful, let me just tell you, it is. That doesn't happen too often, so I can deal with it. I just have to deal with the fact that I will never be a professional ballet dancer.
Whenever the weather changes, I get horrible pain in my foot. This has been what I've been dealing with the last few days. I don't really know why sudden changes in temperature make old injuries hurt so much, but it can be unbearable sometimes; and I have a high pain tolerance.
I feel like I'm one of those old men who sit on a porch and predict the weather based on when his old hockey injury starts to hurt. My injuries suck though, because they never hurt till after the weather changes. Not only do I have to deal with pain, but I don't even get psychic abilities out of it.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Creative pastimes

Lisa and I decided to crash a cast party tonight. For some odd reason, we decided to leave the theater before any of the actors and get to the party about half an hour before anyone else. Here we were, in the ghetto, in the middle of the night with nothing to do. As we were talking, the windows started to fog up. We decided to play pictionary on the windows.
We had only a few rules while we played. Actually, just one rule, the pictures had to be dirty. It was really funny, but I don't think it will be as humorous tomorrow when I go to work. Even though I rubbed all the pictures out with my hand, you can still see penises, dildos, and a bunch of other random sexual objects etched on my windows. I would wash my windows before I get to work tomorrow, but I'm not a morning person and sleep till the last possible second. I guess that's out of the question.

Thursday, January 19, 2006


I've got such a strange fetish. I love braces. I don't know why, but there's just something about someone with braces. I'm not talking about little kids who have braces, but people my age who have a mouth full of metal. I know, it's really odd.

I always wanted braces. The metal, rubber bands, and, dare I say it, headgear. I'm really not making fun of anyone with braces. I seriously love them. Two of my sisters have braces right now, and I always tell them how jealous I am of them. They, of course, look at me like I'm a freak, but it's true. I have no need for braces, but I've thought about getting them anyway. They're hot.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Things That I Want

I've been in this really odd late 80's, early 90's funk for the last few months. I'm not really sure what's up with it. Maybe I should talk to my therapist about it. Why must I revert to my tender formative years all the time?

Not only do I want to revert to my childhood, but I am also a compulsive buyer. Next on my list of things to buy, a Nintendo. I have the day off tomorrow, so I'm going to get one. I actually almost bought one a month or so ago, but they didn't take credit cards at the shop, and I never carry cash. I'll be prepared tomorrow though.

I'm not really into video games. Never really was. There's some sort of appeal to Nintendo though. I loved Super Mario Brothers growing up. I played all sorts of games, but Mario and friends always was my favorite. Jumping on mushrooms, going down tubes, saving the was great. I can't wait to start playing tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


I feel like a part of my life is missing. Why do you do this to me Amanda? You were my fanatical counterpart in American Idol. Now she doesn't want to watch anymore. You have no idea how traumatic this is. I once drove 2.5 hours to see her and watch the show with her, and got caught in a blizzard on the way home. We used to play a game, with points accumulated over the entire season, on who would be voted off next. Now I'll have to watch knowing that my Mandy has grown up and moved on to bigger and better shows. It pains me. Why must you toy with me so?
In keeping with my grumpy mood, Noland and Paul, you know I love you both. You have until Saturday to update your blogs, or they are going to be erased from my links. Get on top of it.
Hope everyone has a great night!


Tonight is the night. Season 5 of American Idol premiers. I can't wait. I love this show. Of course, it isn't as exciting if there isn't a little controversy.

Season 1 had Tamyra get kicked off before Nicki. Season 2 brought us Frenchie(internet porn is a no-no), and good old what's his name who got kicked off for a previous arrest. Season 3, Fantasia won, can it get more controversial then that? Season 4 had the screw up with the phone numbers and the Paula sex scandal.

I heard some interesting things about Season 5 already. Kelly Clarkson(love her, she's fierce...that comment was for you chicagosexbox) won't release the rights to any of her new songs to the show. That means that anyone who sang any of her songs in auditions...and you know there were plenty of them, can't be shown singing them. I love her. She paid her dues, and she wants to move on. She's got the talent for it, so I say, let her do what she wants. Don't be a hater about it.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I Break Things

Funny things happened at work today. One of the first dogs I saw today decided to bite me. It happens. The thing is, they normally bite and let go. This one bit my finger and thumb and didn't let go. He tried to walk away while he was still holding on. I grabbed his collar so he couldn't walk away. The doctor noticed and said, let go, he's biting you. Okay, I obviously know he's biting me. I looked at her like she was crazy. Finally, the dog let go. I left the room to get some bandages.
She came to see how I was doing, and asked why I was still holding the dog. I told her so the dog couldn't run away with my finger in his mouth like he was trying to. She laughed. Okay, it probably was funny looking to see me sitting on the floor with my hand in a dog's mouth while I was holding it close to me. I wasn't in the mood for laughing at that moment though.
I got back at her later. Okay, it was an accident, and I feel bad, but I find a small amount of humor in this. You can see in the picture that when you use a Tono-pen, you don't hold on to it too tight. They're really expensive. I was about to use ours this afternoon when the dog jumped and knocked it out of my hand. It flew across the room and broke on the floor. My mouth just dropped. I didn't know what to say. Luckily, everyone saw it happen and knew it wasn't really my fault. I thought about laughing for a second since she had laughed at me earlier, but I didn't.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

NKOTB and Me

These guys were IT! They had the music and the moves. If only they had longevity. Such is the cast with most pop boy bands though. It's a sad world we live in when the New Kids on the Block are unable to stay in the spotlight.

I'm kidding, of course. The reason I write this post is because I am very familiar with their music. My older sisters adored these guys(sad, but true). I wanted to get a cheap laugh out of Lisa, so I sang one of their songs for karaoke tonight. I won't pretend that this is the first time I've done a NKOTB song. Normally I'm much more drunk then I was tonight though What never ceases to amaze me is how everyone in the bar gets really into it when you sing one of their songs. People upstairs were dancing and cheering me on. It was a joke on my part to sing it. What's there excuse?

Friday, January 13, 2006

A Picture Lasts Forever.

I sometimes forget that when I do stupid things, I should make sure there is no one around with a camera. Case in point, a few months ago I allowed my brother to spray me with pepper spray(there is a previous post a few months back titled, "Have You Ever," for those of you who don't know this story yet). There was a girl there who was kind of dating my brother and works at my bank, who documented the whole thing with her camera.
Today was pay day. I went to the bank to deposit my check, and Shannon told me she had some pictures she wanted me to see. I knew right away what they were of. So did everyone else in the bank. She had showed them to all her co-workers. Okay, I'm not really attractive to begin with, but the faces you make when you're sprayed with pepper spray and have an orange face, really don't help to make me look like a model. I wanted to kill myself.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A Cheap Buzz

I love how caffeine affects me. I gave up soda when I was in high school. I'll probably drink about 2 sodas over the course of a year. Since I don't drink coffee, tea, or anything with high caffeine content on a regular basis, it's always a treat when I indulge.

I was exhausted today at work. I decided to drink a Mountain Dew to get through the day. I hate soda. It has the same consistency of syrup. It does wonders for me though.

After one can of Mountain Dew, I felt like I had drank a few beers. The combination of the caffeine rush mixed with the dehydration it causes, makes me feel light and happy. Everything becomes funny, and I'm bouncing off the walls.

I think everyone I work with hates me when I drink soda. Today was no exception. I was running everywhere, trying to do as many things as I possibly could at once, all while making stupid jokes that no one but me found funny. Please don't ever let me drink soda again.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


I'm going straight to hell for writing this.

This is Bill. He keeps sending me messages through Friendster. He wants me to add him as his "friend." We have none of the same interests listed on our pages, have never talked, and have no friends in common. With this said, why does he keep bothering me? Okay, I have my ideas as to why he wants to talk to me, but it isn't going to happen. OK, maybe it will. I'm trashy and up for new things.

Must See TV

I was bored tonight, so I decided to watch some TV. I turned on Commander in Chief, and lo and behold, who should be on there, but Mark-Paul Gosselaar. That's right, Zack Morris. Good to see he's moved on to bigger and better things.

I've seen this show a few times before, but never with MPG. I guess he's a new character. I don't know. The reason I watched it tonight is because Gina Davis is on it. I love A League of Their Own. I actually could recite the entire movie when I was younger because I watched it so many times. I don't watch it much anymore, so I can only recite about every other line. I should buy the DVD so I can memorize again.

Monday, January 09, 2006

I'm falling apart.

Believe it or not, that's actually not a picture of my stomach. Mine is actually much more toned.

The last few days have been kind of painful. Saturday morning, I went outside to start my car before going to work. I didn't realize it was icy outside and fell as soon as I stepped on the driveway. This wasn't just a little stumble or slip, but a full fledged fall.

I didn't have my shoes on all the way because I was going back in the house to iron my clothes still. My feet went so high in the air that I kicked one of my shoes and it landed about 20 feet away after it went over my head. I stayed laying in the driveway for a second trying to figure out what had happened before I decided I should get up before any neighbors see my laying there and call for an ambulance. My right elbow and outer thigh are completely bruised right now from the fall. It's hot.

Saturday night, I went to the Junction(read all about it on Lisa's blog) for some drinks and songs. I'm not really sure how, but I managed to pull a stomach muscle whilst singing. I was doing the big finish, using the abs for support, when it pulled. My amazing voice brought down the house, so it was okay.

Finally, I started to get a migraine today. I haven't had one in years. It was just a bit stressful at work today, and I felt it coming on. I took some tylenol, which did nothing for me. After I went home I spent most of the rest of the day laying in bed and sitting on the couch. Can't wait to see what injuries tomorrow throws at me.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Girl Scout Cookies

These cookies are one of the reasons for my slowly expanding waistline. I have no self control when it comes to them. Put a box of thin mints or samoas in front of me, and they will be gone 20 minutes later. Any other variety of GSC and I'll leave it alone, but I want to make love to thin mints and samoas.

Sadly, I'm the Girl Scout Cookie whore of my church. Whenever the girl scouts start selling cookies, they know to call me first. I buy them by the case full. I get really embarrassed when I'm making my order and the parent tells me not to worry because they freeze really well. Like they're going to stick around long enough to need to be frozen?

My niece joined Girl Scouts this past year. Not only does that mean I have an obligation to buy cookies from her, but I have to outdo everyone else in my family so I'm the good uncle who buys the most. If I eat another cookie right now, I'm going to be sick. Actually, I think I'll eat a few more. They're like crack, you just can't get enough.

What the?

Why Delilah, why? This is one of the worst pictures ever taken of someone, and yet it's prominently displayed on her website. I love her though.

Does anyone listen to Delilah on the radio(don't try to deny it Amanda, I'm calling you out on this one)? It's got to be one of the cheesiest programs ever, but I love it. It's not like I have a standing date listening to her show, but if I'm going to listen to the radio at night, I'm gonna listen to this show.

I just heard a request from a person who received a kidney transplant on his wedding day. He actually had to leave his own wedding reception to get his new kidney. I don't believe it.

I want to call in one night and make up some ridiculous story that will make all the old people listening cry for joy. I don't know what the story will be about yet. It's still in rough draft form.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Praise the Lord

A random search on the internet made me one of the happiest people in the world. Saved By the Bell, Season 5 is available on DVD!!!!! Don't pretend you aren't excited, you know you all watched this show too.

I own seasons 1-4, but season 5 has most of the best episodes. Graduation, Snow White and the Seven Dorks, rewriting the school song(It seems like only yesterday we started, but soon we'll put away our books and pens...I could write the whole song, but I won't), and Tori. My collection will be complete.

I almost ordered it online, but thought better of it. I want to get up early tomorrow and but it. Maybe I'll get an episode or two in before I go to work. I honestly don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight thinking about this.

What's everyone's favorite SBTB episode? Mine is where Jessie decides to take off her clothes to become a Vegas stripper. Oh wait, that was Showgirls. My favorite is actually when Jessie becomes hooked on caffeine pills. They were going to put together a girl group, Hot Sundae, and she couldn't take the pressure. Caffeine pills always made me throw up when I took them when I was younger.

Happy Birthday MJ, or High School Reunion.

Was it Rocky and Bullwinkle that had alternate titles to their shows? I don't remember, but anyhow, happy birthday Molly! I don't think she reads my blog, but it doesn't really matter.
Molly wants to go to the bar tomorrow night to celebrate her birthday(I've taught her well). She was at a wedding last weekend and ran into a bunch of people from high school and invited them all out for her birthday(she was drunk so I'll let it slide). Great.
I hated high school more then life itself. She invited one of my few friends from high school out though. I haven't seen or talked to Jamie in years. She's supposed to go out with us tomorrow night. I can't wait to see her again. She's so great. I think she actually hated everyone in our school as much as I did, which is quite a feat when you think about it. I'm really excited to see her again and see what she's been up to. Hopefully it will be fun.


Everyone is supposed to have a twin somewhere in the world. I think that must be true. There are only so many different ways a face can be arranged. My senior year of high school, I found out who my twin is; Hilary Swank.

The picture to the left is not actually a picture of me, but a picture of her in Boys Don't Cry. When I first saw a preview for this movie, I knew I was in for it. Sure enough, a few weeks later, my nickname became Hilary in my Spanish class.

Rather then complain that people called me after the Academy Awards this past year to congratulate me on my win for Million Dollar Baby, I'll take it as a compliment. She is amazing. She'll go a year or two without making a mainstream movie, then come back just to snag another Oscar before returning home to Rob Lowe as if nothing happened.. Who does that? I love you Hilary, my fraternal twin who looks the same as me, even though she is a few years older.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I Don't Swallow...that

I think I'm going to boycott T.G.I. Friday's for a while. I had a really bad experience there last night. It isn't the first time this has happened to me there. This time was far more gross then the other time though.

The first time I had a bad encounter, they served me from a dirty glass. I saw it was dirty right away and sent it back. No big deal. Last night, Lisa and I were drinking beer, waiting for our food to come. I had taken a few sips, when I saw something float to the top. Yes, there in the glass I had been drinking from was a white floatie. I know most of you you are thinking that it could have come from me. I hadn't had anything to eat in hours though, so there was no residual food in my mouth. I asked the waiter for a new beer and contemplated inducing vomiting to rid myself of any foreign materials I may have ingested.

I looked my new glass over carefully before taking a drink. After it passed my inspection, I started to drink again. Lisa and I decided to order another round. I'm not really sure why. We should have learned after one dirty glass, no more beer. I inspected my new glass, and it was fine. Lisa's was another story. There were no less then 5 white things floating at the top of her beer. She was lucky enough to see them before drinking though. They didn't even comp any part of our meal. I swear, you can't get good service unless you know the people working.