Monday, November 28, 2005

I can't think of a clever title

I was going to post a naked picture of myself with this post, but thought I wouldn't scare the masses. I came home from a long rehearsal last night to find that my oldest sister, Erin, had been thinking about me. I found a classified add taped to my door, looking for nude models for an art class. Unfortunately, the pay is only $15 an hour. Plus, it's only part time. Sorry, if I'm gonna be nakie, I need at least $15.01 an hour and benefits...and I think we all know what benefits I need. Wow, am I really being this trashy? Sleep deprivation has set in.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Family Dysfunction

I realize this is probably the worst picture ever taken of me, but I love it. What you can't tell is that I'm laying on top of Molly on a bench in the bar because we're both so trashed we can't stand up. This is an old picture, I've since lost my triple chin and horrible acne. This picture is just all around unflattering.
Okay, on to what this post is really about. I'm curious to know if anyone who reads my post has fun family traditions. My family has had a tradition of going out for a family lunch every Saturday for awhile. The family sits around sharing stories, catching up on the family gossip, and eating. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? I'd love to give you the details of what goes on, but I can't. See, I've never been invited to it. In fact, I didn't even know there was a Saturday family lunch until Molly told me today.
My family tends to exclude Molly(MJ as I call her) and me from most of their functions. Family vacations will be planned for months in advance, and no one will tell us about them until a day or two before when there is no hope we will get off work for them. The same holds true for family lunch. Molly called my brother who is in town for the weekend because she needed to give him something. He told her to just give it to him at the family lunch. Funny, my brother who lives out of state knows about these luncheons, and yet, MJ and I have never been told about them.
I called MJ to talk later in the day, and she asked me if I knew about the weekly lunches. Of course I didn't. No one in my family invites me to participate in anything. As the conversation progressed, I learned that MJ had the entire family(that lives locally anyhow) to her house a few days ago for dinner. MJ was running short on time, so asked my mom to tell me to come. Despite the fact that the dinner was on Wednesday, the first I heard about it was tonight.
I realize that MJ and I may be too much for some people to handle, but family has to deal with us. I mean, am I really that embarrassing to have around that I have to be excluded from family functions? I'm starting to develop a complex about it.

Friday, November 25, 2005


Isn't he cute? That's my dog, Wylie. I love him to death. He's been sick lately. I brought him to work with me to try and find out what was wrong with him, but his bloodwork checked out fine. After giving him an IV, he got his appetite back, but wasn't really back to his normal self. A recheck of his blood showed that there was nothing wrong with him again.
His anorexia gave out today. He finally ate for the first time in about a week today. Not only that, he's back to his normal bad self. I'm hoping he doesn't have a relapse. I've invested too much time and money trying to get him back to feeling well at this point in time. I will be all worth it though if he will feel better and all 90 pounds of him will lay on top of me when I'm watching TV again.

No Day But Today!

I realize how cheesy the title of this post is, but I felt the need to write it anyway. Lisa and I went to see it last night. Let me just say, I had huge expectations from this movie, and I was not disappointed. Finally, a musical where the people in it can actually sing.

It was a given that the majority of the leads were going to be amazing singers/actors. Let's face it, most of the original Broadway cast did this movie. I had seen previews for the movie, and Rosario Dawson looked like she would do an adequate job of portraying Mimi. The previews did not do her justice. I was a little worried that her character may be a little like Renee Zelwegger(or however her name is spelled. Frankly, I don't feel like wasting my time to find out) in Chicago. No, Rosario can sing. I won't sugar coat it, there were a few times where I thought she could have done better...hated her I should tell you sequence before her quasi death. That was just a small speed bump in an otherwise amazing movie.

To be honest, I've never seen a stage production of this show, so my view may be different if I had something other than the cast recording to compare it to. These people were fricking amazing though. I had goosebumps when the movie started. Seriously, hearing how tight the harmonies and cut offs were during Seasons Of Love; that's how music should sound. I'll be honest, I cried some...the finale gets me every time. Such a beautiful compilation of songs. Plus 1000 Sweet Kisses during Angel's funeral. I wasn't as bad as Lisa though. Her comment after the movie was, "The neck on my turtleneck is wet from crying."

There was a downside to this movie. That would be the people sitting behind us. I should have known to move when the opening credit started and they said they like this song. After the song, I heard them say I feel as though I should clap. I could have dealt with this, but it got so much worse.

It was bad enough that the girl had to ask her mom what T-cells are. I brief explanation would have been sufficient. No, the mom had to go into a long discourse about them after(an explanation that was laden with fallacies mind you). I realize the movie only had a PG-13 rating, and the word fuck was said 2 times in the movie, but does that mean you have to laugh each time it is said? A little giggle may have been okay, but nervous laughter was out of the question.

The things that really pissed me off were the comments made during the homosexual scenes. Rent has to deal with homosexual relationships for significant parts of the show. I understand that there are people who worship Hilter and hope that the wave of Neo-Nazi will overtake the world someday soon, but don't sit behind me and say eww whenever there is a gay kiss or statement of love. Also, don't pull out your cell phone every 4.2 minutes to see who called or what time it is. The light is somewhat obvious in a dim theatre. Yes, my ass fell asleep during the movie since it was long, but I was a trooper and sat there through it. It was that good, I didn't want to get up and rub it to get feeling back in it, so you don't need to see how long you've been sitting there either.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Not Again

When I was pulled over for going 12 mph over the posted speed in a construction site after drinking a few months ago, I was told that once you start to get pulled over, it doesn't stop. I disregarded this comment as hogwash. I guess it's true though.
Last night I was on my way to rehearsal, and noticed the po-po tailing me after I turned a corner. I was going about 5 over the speed limit, but no one goes less then 10 under at that spot, so I wasn't too concerned. Regardless, I decided to reduce my speed. A car in the other lane started to pass me, and the cop turned on his lights. My first thought was, what an idiot, he's going to be pulled over for passing me. Then I realized I was getting pulled over.
I was right in front of the theater at this time. Not only do I have to deal with the rubber neckers on the road looking at me, but the cast was arriving for rehearsal as well and would inevitably see me. My luck is amazing.
The cop came to my window and said he needed my license and registration. As I pulled out my registration, I asked if I had been speeding. He told me no, but would not elaborate any further. Whatever, I decided to lay low and let this predicament play itself out. He took my registration and compared the numbers on it with those on my windshield.
I'm no aficionado of police policy, but I could tell at this time this was no routine stop. I was getting a little nervous. The cop gave me everything back and apologized for troubling me. Sorry, but I need a little more of an explanation then that. The officer explained that a car matching my car's description had been stolen earlier in the day.
Seriously, are people really that hard up for a car or cash? I won't say that my car is complete trash, but if I was going to steal something, I would target something with a few less miles on it and not so many scratches and dents. Also, couldn't the cop have run my license plate in the 5 minutes he spent following me and realized this wasn't the car he needed? It would have saved me a few minutes of my day and he wouldn't have had to get out of his car on such a cold day.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Party Review.

Why do I always steal pictures from Amanda? Because this picture is HOT! Not really. That's P-diddy and me licking Amanda's highly made up face. I can't speak for anyone else, but I was pretty drunk when this picture was taken. Some of my hardcore Pit and Balcony fans may recognize the sweater that Paul has on as mine. I wore it in Lucky Stiff(no, it wasn't a porno, despite the title) and Paul stole it after. For everyone not sure why we look as ugly as we do, it was an 80's themed party.
I may be a little biased, seeing as how Lisa and I were throwing the party, but I think it was my best birthday party in the last year. Most everyone dressed up, the music was great, and I was trashed out of my mind. I fell off my chair, dumped two glasses of beer, and I'm pretty sure Lisa and I were kissing at one point.
Today wasn't so much fun. I got up this morning and was still a little drunk. I decided to stop at McDonald's before my 10 hour rehearsal because grease always sops up alcohol. Yeah, it just added to my nausea. I figured I would be okay if I didn't have to move too much. I really thought that may be a possibility despite the fact this was a dance rehearsal.
Simply stretching was almost enough to do me in. I had to stop and drink some water in order to curb my vomiting. It worked. Then, standing started to become a problem. I would get really light headed and feel like I was going to pass out. I'm not sure if it was from dehydration or if someone slipped something into my drink(I know you were sitting next to me last night Paul...I'm watching you). It didn't help that half the cast had been there the night before and knew exactly why I was sick. I couldn't even lie and get pity, they just laughed.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Could you wait?

I'm not one to pass judgment on people with gas, I let loose all the time. It's when people crap their pants that I draw the line.

I was waiting in line at Meijer today. Of course the holiday season is approaching, so I was waiting for awhile. I was finally the next person in line, when I smelled something. The person behind me left the line as soon as I smelled it. My first thought was that he farted, but the smell was way too strong for it to have only been a little toot.

Most people would have moved to a different line, seeing as how I was gagging by this point, but it was almost my turn and I figured it would start to air out right away. It didn't. I beg everyone; if you have to poo, use a toilet, not the checkout lane, especially when I'm in line in front of you.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Costume Fitting

I had a costume fitting for A Wonderful Life a few minutes ago. I hate having costume fittings there. It always reminds me of how abnormally shaped my body is. It didn't help when the costume lady insisted that I must have lost a lot of weight when the size 30 pants were 4 sizes too big(the size 32 fit fine though, maybe their sizes are wrong, just a thought).

Anyhow, after all my pants were taken in, we had to find shirts and coats. I have monkey arms, and this always is a problem when I need to wear long sleeves. I have to go to special stores, or the clothes don't fit. About an hour later, we were able to find sleeves that don't fit, but that will work.

I'm sure you're wondering why I decided to put a picture of Santa on this blog. Well, lucky me, I get to come out as Santa in the last scene. Would someone please shoot me? Really, I don't mind.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Great Reads

I discovered my new favorite author last week; David Sedaris. I know, I know, I'm way being the bandwagon. I had heard that he was really funny, but never actually bought his books before. I'm kind of glad that I waited though. See, now I have the opportunity to read his books one right after the other, and not spend months or years waiting for the next one to come out. I'm kind of a looser because I get a little depressed when I finish a book. No matter how much resolution is given, I always feel that I need more from a certain character, or what happens now that everything is okay. What about the next chapter in their lives? I shouldn't admit this, but I actually will spend time after reading a story imagining what would happen if a sequel was written to that book.

Not so with David's books. For those not familiar, they are a collection of short stories...essays actually. Since they are based on real life experiences(exaggerated experiences, I'm sure), I don't feel the need to try and guess what happened next. Real life doesn't always have resolution or end with a big hug, after all. The sad thing is that I can actually relate to a lot of his stories. Most of his stories involve his parents and siblings. I can't say that any one of my siblings will reflect any of his perfectly at any given time, but there are stories where I have to laugh because I lived through that too. It's good to know my family isn't the only crazy one out there. Maybe I should write a book too.

I hate winter!

Isn't that a beautiful picture? I love how people try to portray winter as beautiful and white. Let's face it, there are 1 or 2 days every winter where the snow wafts gently to the ground and outlines every branch of every tree, making for a beautiful landscape when the sun shines on it making everything seem so alive, yet so peaceful. Most winter days are blustery with streets covered in ice and black slush lining the sides of the roads.
Yesterday began the foray into winter. I know I really shouldn't complain, it has been a very warm fall, but yesterday the temperature dropped, and the snow started. I was supposed to go out last night, but it started sleeting, and the roads were becoming treacherous. Damn winter weather for interfering with my drinking. I can't wait till May.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Just Shoot Me.

In a few short minutes, I will have another birthday. I used to think people were lying when they said they hated birthdays, but now I understand. Actually, I've understood for the last few years.

A birthday is simply a glaring reminder that another year has passed, and you have wasted opportunities that were given you. Maybe this will be my year though. Probably not. Sorry if this post is too depressing. I hate birthdays. I hope all my friends will call me and leave stupid messages/wishes of how wonderful they hope my day will be.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

what a day

I have no idea what this picture is of, but I was tired of looking for pics, so I decided to post this one.

I'm not the person who oversleeps in the morning. Don't confuse that to mean that I'm a morning person, cause I'm not. I just have a tremendous sense of responsibility when I have to be to work on time. For whatever reason, I didn't hear my alarm clock this morning.

I woke up a full 25 minutes after my scheduled time. Oh lord, I needed a shower this morning like you wouldn't believe, and was not willing to skip one this morning...or any morning for that matter. I had to cut corners somewhere to make it to work on time so my contacts, shaving, and looking presentable seemed to be the obvious solutions.

Anyhow, after getting ready and looking like horse shit, I was ready to go to work. Since I was in a huge rush, I decided to hit the gas and back out of my driveway. Not the smartest thing I've ever done. See, a sewer had just been put into my house about 2 weeks ago, which means that there was lots of digging going on in my yard and lots of mud left over. If you don't see where this is going, I backed right into a huge mud hill. mud half way up my tire.

I was not about to try to push my car out. See, the torrential rains that have been afflicting our area meant that not only was I stuck, but there was about 12 feet of water around the mud. I was not about to push my car out, so I did the next best thing, I floored it.

Let's just say that even though I got unstuck, my car is in desperate need of a washing. Despite that, I made it to work on time. I kind of wish I hadn't though.

One of the girls had called in sick...again. Not that there's anything wrong with taking a sick day, but I've worked there for over 3 year s and only taken one sick day. I'm a much better employee than most and have come to realize that over the years though. Anyhow, things got really out of control about half way through the day.

I happened to walk up front without paying much attention. One of my coworkers said, "are your ears ringing?" That's when I noticed she was talking to the client who comes into our clinic with her pets and had been at the bar the same night as the Halloween contest where I was dressed as Daisy Duke at a bar. If my mouth hadn't been full of a Baby Ruth, I would have defended myself. No such luck though

Anyhow, after a 10 hour shift, I went to rehearsal. I hadn't had much to eat all day. and my blood sugar was low. I wasn't in the mood to be there if I didn't have to be. After an hour, I got to go home. Woo-hoo. I don't work tomorrow, and I got out of rehearsal early. Life is good sometimes.

Monday, November 07, 2005

5 days!

If you're like me, you can't remember when the exact date of someone's birthday is. Don't humiliate yourselves and ask me if it's today or tomorrow. My birthday is Saturday(still time to buy expensive gifts) and Lisa and my party is the following Saturday(the 19th) at the Junction starting about 9. Wear 80's themed clothes and be ready to sing some karaoke.

Jockey Unders

I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but God loves me. I went to the Birch Run Outlets on Saturday, and found the most comfortable underwear you will ever hope to cover your junk with.

I've got to give credit to Jockey for making their Next to Nothing Boxer Briefs. They are seamless, soft, and very supportive. Every man needs to buy some. You will never want to wear anything else. They even come in cool colors. What more can you want?

Good evening Sunshine

I know I'm not the only person who has noticed this, partly because Lisa and I always talk about it with each other. What is up with the people working at Taco Bell's drive thru when you stop there at 2:30 coming home from the bar? Doesn't it seem like we should be the happy ones? We're coming home from a night of fun, slightly buzzed, if not totally inebriated? Truth be told, the workers always act as if they are high on E or something.
Saturday night, I was the DD, and stopped at Taco Bell with Lisa to get some good eatin'. We ordered, and then Lisa stated playing with things in my car, yelling obscenities, and stealing my cell phone threatening not to give it back. She was a little drunk at the time, so it was understandable. However, she had spilled beer all over my pants, and I didn't want someone inside to call the cops on us since I reeked of alcohol. Be that as it may, I had my back to the pick up window when the person opened it.
I have NEVER in my life heard someone so happy to tell me I owed them $6.08. I literally jumped when he yelled it. No one should ever be as happy as this guy was, ever. If my cat had a litter of kittens made out of 14 karat gold, I wouldn't be as happy as he was, and my cat is a neutered male. This of course made Lisa laugh uncontrollably, and I was trying unsuccessfully to stifle any giggles that were trying to escape.
He ran my card, and jubilantly thrust it back towards me. I took it reluctantly. I was scared he may grab my hand and pull me inside to join the party or something. Then he asked me if I needed any sauce, teeth glowing in the moonlight as he gave me what I would normally think of as a perma-smile, but I'm pretty sure was actually his real one.
I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of there. We drove off, and couldn't stop laughing. What is with those people? Do they not have proper ventilation back there and the fumes from the "beef" they use gets to them? I worked at a McDonald's when I was younger, and let me tell you, I was never in even a slight good mood when I was there.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

I'm too lazy for this.

I worked at my second job this morning. I sometimes usher at the historic Temple Theatre. I love this job because I get paid to do absolutely nothing. You get to watch movies, listen to concerts, and even see traveling Broadway shows from some of the best viewing areas, and they pay me to do it. What a trade off. Today they made us do manual labor. I was not having it.
Before I get into that, I will digress. The event today was a lunch and movie for old ladies. Everyone of these ladies either hasn't bathed in days or doused themselves in cheap ass perfume before coming. Lucky me, I got to man the elevator. Being in such a small area with such strong smells was more than I could take. Those crazy red hat ladies.
Anyhow, while they watch the movie, we get to go upstairs to the dining room and eat whatever they had for lunch that day. I'm not trying to imply they didn't give us free food today, because they did, and I would have been out of there so fast if they hadn't, but we had to work for our food.
Some lady who isn't even my boss(we'll call her Shelly since I don't know what her name is and don't really care to find out what it really is), but works for the restaurant that brings the lunch there told some of us to move 9 tables from the 1st floor to the 3rd floor. First off, she isn't my boss, second, she didn't ask, she told us to. Third, she walked away and didn't offer to help. These tables were neither small nor light. We were told to use the elevator, but they didn't fit unless you spent 20 minutes per table trying to turn it just right so it would fit. There's a couple of scratches on the wall of the elevator from us today.
Anyhow, we fit 4 in the elevator and took them up. As we struggled to unload them, Shelly said to just leave them outside the door, they would do the rest, being all bitchy since we took too long to get them up there or something. Like she was doing this huge favor to us moving them 2 feet to set them in place. I looked at her and said, yeah, we know, we were going to leave them here. We didn't take the rest of the tables up.


For those who aren't familiar, Bronner's is the world's largest Christmas store. It's located about 20 minutes from my house(probably about 35 minutes for most people, but I was never one to worry about traffic laws). I saw an add for it in the paper last week, and it prompted me to write this blog.

Bronner's is supposedly famous. I don't really know how true that is, because obviously everyone around here knows about it. I guess it must be famous in it's own rite, with little old grandmas who need ornaments to put in their cat's stockings.

I have no beef with Bronner's, in fact I make a yearly pilgrimage there to buy an ornament for my god daughter. There are a few things that trouble me with this store though. First, it's open 361 days a year. One of the four days it is closed is Christmas Day. That is just plain dumb to me.

Also, what ever possessed Wally Bronner to create the world's largest Christmas store? Obviously, it was a good idea, since he's rich, but I would never have thought that it would make a good store. I would like to someday open the world's largest hot dog cart. I would travel around the world to peddle my pig butts to people who eat nasty by-products.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Gross things from work

Sometimes I really hate my job. It has it's perks, but some days it is just too gross for me to handle. I have disgusting things happen to me basically every day I work, but after a while, you get used to having a dog pee all over your shirt, or releasing its anal glands all over you and just deal with it. It's when I'm driving home and find live fleas on me, or people bring in a squirrel with a mouth full of maggots that I get grossed out. Today was one of those days I wished I had just stayed home.
Part of our protocol is to place IV catheters in all animals that are there for surgeries. I was taking the catheter out of one of the cats after his surgery, and he freaked out. There's a cap on the top of catheters that prevents bleeding. It got caught on the tape holding the catheter in when he jerked his paw and flew across the room.
I think I have the worst luck in the world. I decided at the exact moment the cap came off to open my mouth and say something. There's nothing like the taste of blood when it splatters into your mouth. I went to the sink to spit, and one of my coworkers was disgusted with me for spitting. Let's just think about this logically. Who was in a worse predicament? Me, having blood in my mouth, or her, seeing me spit? You decide.