For My Brothers

I stole this post from Christa...thanks. It's actually for my brothers to read so I don't have to listen to them say the same Chuck Noris jokes over and over.

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris¹ beard.There is only another fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world:people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris¹ Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J.Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date.Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris¹ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
32. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
33. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
34. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
35. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
36. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
37. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
38. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
39. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
40. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
41. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
42. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight.He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
43. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. (See? He saw the error of his ways.)
44. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
45. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
46. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
47. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
48. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
49. Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
50. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
51. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.52. Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.53. Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.54. Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

My Mafia Links

I know, I said I wasn't going to write anymore, but I changed my mind, simply because this story has to be told. That, and the fact that I'm fickle and change my mind with the weather.

I just got back from the bar where we had yet another bachelor party of sorts for my brother. Yes, it is early, but I have to work in the morning, so I didn't stay out late. Small details aside, I had an interesting conversation while I was out.

One of my brother's friends from high school showed up. I realize that this post may result in my murder, but life isn't worth living without some risks. There's an ongoing joke between my brother and his friends that this person has ties to the mafia due to his last name. I'm familiar with him and his family, since he had older siblings that I went to high school with as well, and I've wondered about extended family and the mafia myself.

After a few drinks were had, and jokes about his mafia ties were over-used, he confessed to us that his family does indeed have ties to the mafia. Granted, pretty much anyone with an Italian last name can probably say they have mafia ties somewhere in their family tree. Yes, I stereotype. His story is nothing short of amazing.

He told us that when there are big family gatherings...weddings, funerals, etc, cameras are sometimes prohibited to protect family members. Cool enough, but then he told the more interesting aspect of the story. Apparently, Jimmy Hoffa, mafia boss extrordinare, isn't related to his family, but his family is well known in certain circles because of their ties to him.

As it turns out, Jimmy's fateful trip that resulted in his disappearance, was actually a trip to see my bar friend's uncle. Jimmy was underway to see the uncle of a person sitting across a table from me when he famously disappeared. All I could think was, why isn't my family this interesting?

I need to hang out with these people more. I'm sure they have amazing stories to share. I need to talk with him again and encourage him to start a blog. If he doesn't agree to do so, he needs to tell me more stories so I can write about them on mine.

I'm Done With It

No, I'm not moving, despite the fact that the picture does look like a moving van. I'm thinking of ending my blog though. I may change my mind, but I'm just tried of trying to write stories. I've had no desire the last few weeks, and I think it shows in my posts. Who knows, I may end up becoming inspired in the coming weeks, but for now, I'm done.

Sausage Fest "06

I just got back from my brother's bachelor party a few minutes ago. As not to disappoint my readers, I have an action packed blog entry filled with the homo-erotic happenings that transpired over the weekend that I have decided to call sausage fest, '06.

The whole concept of bachelor parties doesn't make too much sense to me. A bunch of guys going up north to drink together since one of them is going to get married. I'm not one to worry about such things when beer is involved, and both my brothers were there, so I was good to go.

The party started out bad for me. I was stuck at work for an hour and a half after I was supposed to get out because of an emergency, so I couldn't ride up with anyone like I'd planned. My car has been giving me trouble so I couldn't take it up either. I took my dad's car, but my brother's directions sucked. It took me an hour longer then it should have to get up there because I couldn't find the road, and then my brother moved his car off the side of the road before I got there, even though the only way I was going to know where the property was would be by looking for my brother's car on the side of the road. I didn't have phone service up there so I couldn't call anyone. I eventually got a few bars on my phone and called. I arrived soon after.

At some point during that night, I broke my older brother's thumb, and one of my brothers(I really can't remember which one), dislocated my jaw. I couldn't eat yesterday, but when we started drinking, the pain went away. C'est la vive.

We went to the beach yesterday afternoon. I was a little bored, and there was a craft show going on, so my brother and I decided to see if there was a beer tent. It sounded perfectly probable. We couldn't find any beer, but we did happen to find a table that crime stoppers had set up. They had free bumper stickers and candy canes. We took a sticker and put it on Kyle's car. We took a candy cane too, but I won't go into that. We thought it was going to be so funny to watch him when he saw the sticker and got mad. No luck. He didn't even care.

We went fishing in the afternoon, and I realized that my older brother is a little bitch. He was scared to take the fish off the hooks, so I had to do it for him. We caught some tiny fish that they killed and ate. Nasty. I know how to gut a fish now though. The things you can learn while drunk.

Only A Few Days

I will be taking a short hiatus from my blog. I leave tomorrow after work to go to my brother's bachelor party. I'm sure I'll have plenty of fun stories to share when I get back.

Paying Bills

I've been meaning to send out a bill for the last few days, but I needed a stamp, and just didn't get around to buying one till today. See, I refuse to buy books of stamps. Every time I do, the post office raises the price about halfway through the book, and I have to then buy a 2 cent stamp in addition to my regular stamp since my stamps are worthless. Actually, this has absolutely nothing to do with my story, but I figured you all wanted to know this useful bit of information about me in case you were ever on a quiz show and the question of how many stamps do I buy at once came up.

Like I said, I had to pay a bill and needed to get a stamp. I didn't feel like going to the post office because it's too far, and it always takes forever. I went to the grocery store instead. I was about to get out of the car, when I realized I didn't write my account number on my check. I know, it probably doesn't matter, but I like to do it because they tell you to, and I don't want to get a late fee for something stupid like that. I follow rules, that's all there is to it.

I started to write the info on my check, when I noticed a pickup truck pull alongside my car. It was kind of odd, because I was parked near the back of the lot(I felt like walking), and there were lots of spots much closer. I had my windows rolled up already, even though it was almost 90, but I could hear the two guys yelling, "Dude! Hey, dude!" at me.

I, of course, ignored them. Anyone who knows me, knows that my name isn't Dude, and therefore, I won't respond to it. I don't even respond when people call me Scottie, so we all know something that doesn't even have my name as the root word isn't going to warrant any sort of response. They were persistent though, and I felt embarrassed that they were yelling at me.

I finally acknowledged them when they screamed, do you want a home entertainment system. I thought, if this is some salesperson trying to make a cheesy pitch in the middle of a parking lot, screaming at me through my closed window, he really needs to work on his act. I turned my head slightly and said no.

This is when it got interesting. At no point during our entire conversation did this person lower his voice. He kept yelling the whole way through. He said, "Are you sure, it's free." Free my ass. I'm not about to do sexual favors for an entertainment system. A new car, maybe. Then he said, "I deliver them to houses for my job, and they accidentally gave me an extra to deliver."

I looked at him because I couldn't believe someone would be that stupid. He and his friend were so excited and happy. Did they really think that no one would notice this mix up at some point? When they did, would they still be so happy that they gave the merchandise to a random, sexy, intelligent person in the parking lot? Crazy people always flock to me, and I don't understand why. I should have taken it. These idiots deserve to loose their jobs, and I deserve something nice for sitting in a parking lot.

7 Days

Today marks my one week mark without smoking. You should all be proud of me. This past week has been horrible. Actually, the first few days were horrible, it hasn't been too bad since then. There are two things that get me through it, my nicoderm patches, and support from my friends.
First off are the Nicoderm patches. I'm just going to be straightforward and tell everyone, they don't work. They have done nothing to suppress any cravings. The only thing they are good for is the knowledge that if you smoke after wearing them, you get really sick. That was what got me through many cravings. I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night shaking uncontrollably like one of my friends told me happened to her.
Like I said, the other thing that has gotten me through is the support from my friends. Especially Noland. I talked to him on the phone for the first time in a few weeks tonight, and he made a comment saying he'll stop doing something(the details escape me right now) when I stop smoking. I was proud of myself and told him I haven't smoked in a week. His response? You shouldn't lie. That's right, the support of my friends has been amazing.

Happy Reunion

I was in the mall today, because I needed a new shirt to wear to the bar tonight. Okay, I didn't really need one, but I thought it would be nice to have one. Anyhow, that has nothing to do with the rest of the story.
I was walking out of a store, and I saw someone I hadn't seen in a long time. I was really excited to see her, and wanted to talk. I have this fear of walking up to people when they're still far away, because I tend to start walking up to them and then realize it isn't the person I thought it was.
Anyhow, I was trying to decide if it was her or not, but people kept walking in front of me. I decided it was her, so I put a smile on my face and started to walk up to her. She looked at me, and I was able to see her face clearly for about a half second before a group of people walked between us, and I thought maybe that isn't her. I stopped smiling.
The group moved away, and I saw her clearly again and decided it is her, and smiled again. I walked closer to talk, and realized that no, I've never seen this girl before in my life. I changed directions and walked away. She must have thought I was crazy.
Anyhow, I walked on and saw two people who looked a lot like people I went to high school with. I thought, I'm not doing this again. I looked at them discreetly as I walked by, and they caught my eye with theirs. It was indeed Tiffany and Joe.
I was more excited that I actually recognized them for who they were then actually having the opportunity to talk to them. I told them what had just happened, and they didn't really care. We made small talk for a few minutes before parting ways.
Yup, that's my entire story.

I Wasn't Ready for my Close Up

Are you kidding me? This is a picture from the last show I did. Yes, I did make that face on stage every night. No, no one told me I looked constipated. Sadly enough, this picture is on Pit and Balcony's website. You all wish you could do me, don't you? That is one hot picture of me.

Bless the Pets

A few weeks ago, I got found out that my work was going to participate in a bless the pets at a local church. We needed to send some representatives to go and answer questions people may have about their pets after the blessing. My interest was sparked and I volunteered to go. The actual blessing was on Saturday.
I didn't really know what to expect. I found the whole concept to be funny, and that was the only reason I wanted to go in the first place. I hoped I would be able to bless a few myself, but alas, that was reserved for the pastor.
Arriving at the church was odd, indeed. The doctor and I walked in, and there was a dog running around inside. I guess I just assumed the blessing and activities would take place outside. No, it took place in the actual chapel, with dogs running around and barking.
The blessing itself was somewhat of a let down. I was hoping for a baptism or some sort of chant that the pets were allowed to participate in. No such luck. All that happened was the pastor said a prayer over all the pets. Boring.
Even more boring was the fact that the only pets there were dogs. I had high expectations for someone to bring their pet cow or goat into the church. I mean, if you're going to get your pet blessed, you may as well go all out and try and outdo everyone by bringing the most original pet. Maybe I'm the only one who is competitive during pet blessings.
After the blessing, which took about 45 minutes by the time all was said and done...there were songs, scripture readings, and even a time to share stories about you pets, it was time for us to answer questions people had about their pets. I made small talk with some of the people about how cute their overweight dogs were, etc. Then, someone asked me to look at a lump on their dog's head.
As I went to touch the dog, it tried to bite me. Luckily, I deal with this every day, and have lightening fast reflexes. The owners told me not to worry, she won't bite. Right, that's why she just snapped at me. Apparently, blessing a pet doesn't affect their temperament or the owners ability to lie.

Trouble's A'Brewin

My family narrowly escaped a family feud earlier this week. For those who don't know, my baby brother, Stinky, is getting married in a few short weeks. We're all so excited for a big family get together. More so, I was excited about the free alcohol at the wedding.
My brother played a little joke on us, and sent an email to all my siblings saying there wasn't going to be any alcohol at the wedding. He's so silly. The thing is, we all thought he was serious, and most of us were kind of worried about it.
I have no problem admitting that I have problems with drinking. I'm not alone in that addiction when I'm with my family. We were all trying to be polite when we asked him why not, and if he was serious, and if he would be offended if we brought our own alcohol to the reception. It really was a big deal. Luckily, he let us know he was joking, and alcohol would be there in abundance. I can breathe a little easier for the next few weeks.

It Isn't Too Difficult

I've mentioned before that I don't drink soda. It's really the only healthy thing that I do for myself. It takes dedication sometimes. It isn't that I miss it, it's just trying to find a replacement for it can become more of a hassle then it's worth sometimes.
When I eat fast food, I order milk with my meal, instead of soda. What really sucks is that not all fast food places even carry milk. We live in such a healthy society. About 75% of the time that I order a milk, I'm told by the cashier that they aren't able to do that. I always let them know that, indeed, you are. They claim they have to give soda with a meal to which I respond, "Can I speak with a manager?"
Sometimes, I just get really odd looks from the workers, as if they can't believe someone would drink milk instead of soda. Get over it, it's what I do. The rest of the time, they just completely ignore me and hand me a cup to fill with soda myself, as if I may not notice.
Today, I had the unfortunate problem of having to eat Burger King for dinner. I actually like Burger King's food, but they always screw up my orders and take forever. Anyhow, I ordered a milk and paid with my debit card because I never carry cash. Psycho, I know. The girl handed me a cup for my soda, and I said, very politely, I actually wanted milk instead of soda. She was really embarrassed and then told me she needed my card back so she could run a void on it, since a meal with milk is cheaper then one with soda.
I'm sorry, but if you can't follow a simple request when I order food, I'm not giving you my card back so you can try to run a void on it and then run another transaction. I'd probably end up with a couple hundred dollar transaction on my next statement. I told her not to worry about it, and she gave me my milk.
I know I'm a picky eater, but is my request really that unreasonable when I get a milk? I just don't understand why no one is ever able to get it right. I should file a lawsuit against fast food chains saying they're trying to force me to drink soda and there by making my teeth rot.

IEEE Please

I understand why there are age restrictions when buying certain products. Alcohol, cigarettes, and lottery tickets can be addictive and shouldn't be purchased by people who aren't able to fully comprehend the long term effects of them. I can even understand why certain over the counter medicines have age restrictions on them. I believe that I've heard that certain cold syrups are used in meth labs.
What I don't understand is why I was carded yesterday. I know I look like I'm 12, so when I buy restricted products, I know to have my license ready. I just deal with it. When I'm buying allergy medicine, I don't understand why I have to show my I.D. to the cashier.
I was in the U-Scan, purchasing a few things. Among them, glass cleaner and allergy medicine. Let's just take a moment to think this out rationally. About the worst thing that I can think of happening with allergy medicine is it gives me a dry throat. I'm not aware of any hallucinogenic side effects, drugging, or drug recipes that call for allergy medicine. Plus, if some poor underage person is in need of some allergy medicine and isn't old enough, what are they supposed to do? Wait around outside the store and ask someone to buy for them?
Glass cleaner is toxic if consumed, can be considered a weapon if you spray it in someone's eye, and has high concentrations of ammonium in it. Yet, I'm carded for my allergy medicine and not the glass cleaner. State laws can be so stupid sometimes.

Electrifying

I wish I could say this story happened to me, but my life isn't that exciting. Instead, I will tell the story of why my sister is again my hero. No one else could have something this odd happen to them. Indeed, Molly was struck by lightening on Tuesday. Here's the story, as she told it to me yesterday.
I guess one of the best parts of the story is that she didn't feel the need to tell me about it until Saturday, a full 4 and a half days after it happened. We all know that if I was struck by lightening, I would get to the nearest computer and write about it on my blog right away so if I died, my story would still be told.
Molly was driving in her friend's car on Tuesday during a big storm. She uses her hands a lot when she talks, and was gesturing wildly, when there was a large crash all around them. She says she felt a surge of energy go through her, and her arms shot forward. Her friend's arms also spasmed forward at the same time. The car jumped into the air a bit, and everything went back to normal...sort of.
Molly says that after it happened, it felt like her fingers were moving, but she was holding them still. The next day, every bone in her body ached. A small price to pay for a story as great as this one. Unfortunately, she had her hair pulled back, so it didn't frizz out. That was actually the first thing I asked her when she finished telling me the story. I'm so concerned about her well being, obviously.
What remains to be seen is if the car itself took a direct hit, or if it hit near enough that they got the residual electricity that comes from such a concentrated amount of energy. The car didn't stall, and they both lived, so most likely, it wasn't a direct hit, or so I've been told. In any instance, I now am adding getting struck by lightening to my list of life goals so I also have a great story to tell. We'll just hope that I'm also lucky and live through it so I can write about it after.

Scott's Park

When I was a child, my family rented a cottage every summer for 2 weeks on a lake in Wisconsin. I loved those vacations. We would spend all day on the beach, using the row boat, fishing, and catching turtles. Eventually, my family became more poor then they already were(if you can imagine), and we stopped making our yearly pilgrimage to Wisconsin. So sad.

Some of my favorite memories from such vacations are making my older sister Megan have to go to the hospital after I pushed her in the lake without her earplugs in(she had horrible ear problems as a child), Molly getting in trouble for screaming, "That's my stick you bastards!" in front of the neighbors, and getting my picture taken at Scott Park.

Scott Park was not actually anywhere near our rented cabin. It was a place we passed on our way there. We would normally stop there for lunch. There was a big sign that said Scott Park on it. My parents thought it would be cute to take my picture with that sign. Cute, it wasn't.

I don't remember why, but I was hell bent against having my picture taken with it. Let's just face it, I was a bad child. My parents were already irritated enough. They had been in a car with 8 kids and a dog for countless hours already and family vacations always put them in bad moods. My outburst stating that I was refusing to have my picture taken with the sign put them over the edge.

I don't remember much of what happened, I just remember that when they got me over to the sign, I turned my back so they couldn't take the picture. My mom was trying to take the picture and couldn't get me to turn around, so my dad came over to turn me around. I started to cry as he walked away, and that's the picture my mom took.

I wish I knew where the picture is. It's by far one of the funniest ever taken. Here I am, pudgy and crying in my 80's clothes, standing in front of a sign, with my dad walking out of the shot with a pissed look on his face. Oh, those were the days. I drove by the park with my family a few years back, and it still makes me cringe thinking about that day. My mom jokingly asked if she could take my picture in front of the sign. I didn't even pretend to think it was funny. That day will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Update

I just got a mass email from my sister that she sent to all my siblings. It seems that plans are underway for the Warnke Family Kickball game later this month. I can't wait. What started as a joke on my blog is something that my family is excited to do. Best of all, I'm supervising the endeavor. We still need a team to take us on, so you better start practicing. My team is going to be amazing. If you aren't up to playing against us, but want to lend support in other ways, feel free to make financial contributions. I'll give my address to anyone willing to cut me a check.
As far as my family, check your emails. You'll be getting an exercise schedule within the next few days. I want you fit and limber. This game will NOT be taken lightly.