For My Brothers

I stole this post from Christa...thanks. It's actually for my brothers to read so I don't have to listen to them say the same Chuck Noris jokes over and over.

1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris¹ beard.There is only another fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world:people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris¹ Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J.Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date.Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris¹ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
32. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
33. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
34. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
35. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus'obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
36. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
37. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
38. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
39. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
40. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
41. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
42. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight.He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
43. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won. (See? He saw the error of his ways.)
44. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
45. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
46. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
47. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
48. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
49. Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
50. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
51. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.52. Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.53. Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.54. Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.